Depression Sucks!

Isn't it funny that we think depression is a 'mental' illness and some how it's not health related. I love those people who say things like.. she's crazy .. she's bi-polar. As if it's not the same as he's diabetic, she's obese. Mental illness is just as frustrating and life changing as diabetes, cancer, etc. But the even more debilitating is the reaction people have to it. When I hear a person has cancer, I pray for them... but even having dealt with depression, when I hear someone is depressed I don't think of it prayer needing.. but this week I have realized it is. But how exactly do you reach out for that help?

I've been battling my depression all my adult life.. and somehow I know it has affected EVERYTHING from my home to my church to my work... to even my knowledge of who I am. This week it just seems at its worst.

Today I'm just blah... cranky.. irritable... exhausted. Most of the day I've just wanted to sleep...

Richard and I have been waiting on something all week, and it's something pretty big. We found out today that the something came through, and on Friday we'll see it through. This news should have made me running through the streets praising God.. yet I'm still just so overwhelmed and uninterested I can't seem to motivate myself to even fake it. Of course I have prayed and said thank you to God, but it's all I can do to show it to anyone else.

I'm exhausted tonight... I feel as if I want to cry. And the worst part is.. how is my action at all showing the joy and peace of Christ? I just went and attended an amazing church service... yet I was so distracted, I could barely focus on what the preacher was saying. Ugh.. overall depression sucks!

I'm praying a visit to our doctor will help somehow, but I think controlling what I can will too. I can control myself... even if that's all I can control, I can control me. So here's to trying to have a good day tomorrow, trying to work to the best of my abilities, trying to keep my calm and my peace with my children, and trying to just enjoy tomorrow!

Jonah and Disobediance

So at church tonight our youth pastor preached. (THE Bumpers Jr.) He did an amazing job this morning as well. This am he spoke about the "But God"'s in the Bible.. where everything looks bleak and desolate and than we hear the good news "BUT GOD!" It's was a great sermon.

Tonight however really hit close to home. Bumpers Jr. spoke about Jonah and how Jonah KNEW what he needed to do but didn't do it. And this initial disobedience caused a severe in Jonah's relationship w/ God... but God kept pursuing!

That's awesome. What great news for me to hear! I've been feeling disobedient lately. My attitude has been horrible pertaining to a lot of things in our lives... (MONEY mostly) BUT GOD is still in control (the Schraggers reminded me of that today PRAISE God for her!) God is a just and jealous God. Consequences of my disobedience are occurring as we speak BUT GOD will forgive me... but I need to be willing to ask and turn from that! amazing!

I've been reading w/ Lori Ann the Sparks stuff (okay honestly read it today w/ her :( ) and as I read it and went through John 3:16 with her, it smacked me in the face at how clearly the Bible says.. all men/women/boy/girl are sinners. all men/women/boy/girl need a savior. WE KNOW THAT SAVIOR.. and I need to follow Him completely. I need to stop the half hearted following of Christ and step out and follow Him in everything.

I've been stressing SO much about everything. About the finances, about the house, about school decisions, about legal concerns, about the kids, about my marriage... and I've learned that worrying doesn't do anything for that. But pushing aside worrying isn't the same as having faith that God will supply. Having faith is KNOWING without a shadow of a doubt that you will be held and protected b/c you are a beloved child of the KING.

I've also been listening to the words of the ladies at church who have been through struggles and have enjoyed hearing that I'm not alone!

So here's a tip for you: If you are truly struggling with your life circumstances... speak to the saints in your church. You know the ones that if they had saints in your church (mine do not lol) they would be chosen. Like the Schraggers or the Robertsons or the Kings or the Templetons (HEY BROADWAY ROCKS!) etc. (just names of some of the women in my church who I think should be sainted for putting up w/ me lol)

ALSO -- if you are struggling DO NOT SURROUND yourself with people who are acting as if they are perfect. This will just depress you and get you into an evil thing called jealousy. I'm learning that no matter how hard/easy etc your life may be someone has it worse OR better. Living thankfully for what you have and being content is the only way to be happy. I was complaining about my 20.00 grocery budget and the Schraggers told me about another person w/ a 10.00 grocery budget. Yet I also know someone w/ a grocery budget of 200.00 a week. Life is different for everyone, and my struggle w/ money might be someone elses struggle with lust etc.

Today I need to do what I can to make the good choices. To fully live out my faith in Jesus Christ. That's all I can do.. and that's all I need to do. B/c the rest will fall into place! Like my other post says: as long as I got King Jesus!

Have you met my King? If not.. I hope and pray one day you do!

What a rough start

Have you heard the song "As Long as I got King Jesus"? Poor English but amazing song.

It says we don't need a doctor, lawyer, preacher, teacher, brother, sister, mother, father etc.

It says He'll be my friend when I'm friendless.

Recently I've found myself with a shortage of friends. The ones I held closest to my heart have went through changes and those changes have really caused some stresses on our friendships. So I wonder... do I really believe that song? As Long as I got King Jesus.. do I need anyone else?

My heart is heavy today. :o( So many things have changed, I still have Richard.. and maybe that's the point of these changes... to help me cling to my husband. But Richard has never been AMAZING at listening to all my dumb whining. (especially since most of it is about him.) It was nice to have someone to talk to about those things. So maybe that's the point... I can talk to Jesus about those things. He can give the best advice!

I just wonder if what we heard in Sunday school was meant for me.... do I trust that Jesus is big enough to handle my problems? Like my depression... my crazy ways .... my selfishness .... I wonder... how big is the Jesus I believe in?

Like the title says: it's been a rough start to the day!

Question of the day.

So, recently (as in yesterday) I celebrated my 27th birthday.

My FAVORITE and I mean FAVORITE restaurant is Ohana's... a Japanese Steak house in town. It has an amazing MONSTER roll that I just love.

So I decided since we probably couldn't afford to do two dinners, one for family and one for friends, I would include them both.

My family usually is very OPEN to new people so no big deal right?

Well at the last minute I was told that half of my family wouldn't be able to come b/c of finances. And ALSO b/c one of my aunt's didn't like that type of food. I also found out that another set of friends weren't able to afford it, and the other group of family we already knew wouldn't be able to afford it due to the fact that it was around 13.00 a plate.

I had a GREAT TIME with the people who were there. My mom and grandma appeared to have a good time (though I could see they didn't totally LOVE LOVE LOVE the food)

So I found out that my family did other things... so now I'm left wondering...

Should I have changed the place I wanted to go to for my birthday to include all of my family since I do hold them so dear to me? Or enjoy my birthday for what it is MY BIRTHDAY and think "well if they didn't want to come, they didn't want to come" and not be hurt by it. I'm just not sure if my feelings are valid or not.

I do know that my family wasn't crazy about my choices, but this same family said "it's your birthday you should go where you want to go." I guess it is really a choice... do I want the food or the family?

I guess lesson learned. Overall it was still an amazing birthday and my best friend (my mom) and wonderful husband was there. So I guess I should say "such is life" :o)

Jeremiah 2 - A glance into our future

Have you ever thought the children of Israel are a LOT like the gentiles are now?

It only has taken us what 2,000 years to look to our other gods and idols. I've been reading through Jeremiah and really think it has a lot to say to people today.. just as it had to say to Israel and Judah back than.

Jeremiah 2: 13 says: For My people have committed two evils: They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, And hewn themselves cisterns—broken cisterns that can hold no water. - don't we turn to ourselves more than God. Don't we build up our defenses? Finding excuse after excuse as to why we should depend solely on ourselves and labor in vain stating its for the glory of God? Yet all of our labor is in vain, if it is not for the sole glory of God! We are broken cisterns and can hold nothing and are therefore useless.

Jeremiah goes on to say: (this is what hit me the hardest!) Jeremiah 2: 26 - 31: “ As the thief is ashamed when he is found out, So is the house of Israel ashamed; They and their kings and their princes, and their priests and their prophets, 27 Saying to a tree, ‘You are my father,’ And to a stone, ‘You gave birth to me.’ For they have turned their back to Me, and not their face. But in the time of their trouble They will say, ‘Arise and save us.’ 28 But where are your gods that you have made for yourselves? Let them arise, If they can save you in the time of your trouble; For according to the number of your cities Are your gods, O Judah. 29 “ Why will you plead with Me? You all have transgressed against Me,” says the LORD. 30 “ In vain I have chastened your children. They received no correction. Your sword has devoured your prophets Like a destroying lion. 31 “ O generation, see the word of the LORD!

Wow! How many of us have put our trust in money/man/preachers/bankers/family/spouses... and not in God. Absolutely I have faith in THE Rev. Eddie Bumpers or I wouldn't be in his church, but I should NEVER put my love/respect/admiration for him, or for Richard above God. I should never put my trust in the bank over my trust in God. I should never say oh the bank will take care of it... no I should say GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF IT. If that all makes sense at all loll.

And are we not the chastened children? We receive the correction.. we have THE Book to read and live by... yet how many of us are content in just standing on the sidelines letting others do the reading/writing/listening/learning of the will of God.

God has a plan for us. Yet if we fail to listen to it; if we fail to read and pray for it; if we sit idly by and show up Sunday and Wednesday's only, we are only giving our God two hours to show us the LIFE HE has planned... I need to see it daily. I need to read it daily.

Like the song says:

This is the air I breathe
This is the air I breathe
Your holy presence living in me

This is my daily bread
This is my daily bread
Your very word spoken to me

And I I'm desperate for you
And I I'm I'm lost without you

How lost are we when we don't partake of the air and bread of the living God?

Praise God for Chris Schrag!

So on Monday I fell out of a chair.... hit my head/hip ... an ER Visit later was told has a mild concussion. Just what every mother of four needs right?

To make matters worse, my mom was sick so my only help in times like these was sick and unable to help. So yesterday... while suffering from the most severe headache of my life, I cooked/cleaned up/ fed/ etc etc etc four children. IT SUCKED!

Today I woke up feeling better... but at 3:30 or so, the headache came back full on. I called the doctor and they said this could happen for the next week or so until my brain heals completely from the trauma. How fun is this I ask you?

Well, Wendy my friend for LIFE offered to take the kiddos to church for me... and I was almost about to take her up on that, but first I called Chris. And Chris told me she would take them for me. She is a blessing in a half! I pray that everyone who reads this knows her or gets too! She's AMAZING... and I love her more than words can say.

This got me to thinking... as on Sunday I had read the story of the Rich Young Ruler (as told through christiansunite.com) for the kids. Here's how the Bible puts it... (bare with me, I'm still pretty much in pain!)

Luke 18:18-23 (New King James Version)
Jesus Counsels the Rich Young Ruler

18 Now a certain ruler asked Him, saying, “Good Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” 19 So Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good but One, that is, God. 20 You know the commandments: ‘Do not commit adultery,’ ‘Do not murder,’ ‘Do not steal,’ ‘Do not bear false witness,’ ‘Honor your father and your mother.’”[a]21 And he said, “All these things I have kept from my youth.” 22 So when Jesus heard these things, He said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell all that you have and distribute to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me.” 23 But when he heard this, he became very sorrowful, for he was very rich.

So here is a man who has kept all the commandments and made good of himself. However, his peace has come through physical things and he has learned to love his possessions more than the one providing those blessings.

What I keep thinking about is this: What if this man would have done what Christ had said to him to do? What if this man had sold everything and followed Christ? Who did we miss learning from, since this man chose to disobey the will of God in His life. He could have been a warrior like Paul, a healer like Luke. He could have written the gospel according too... but this man instead missed out on the richest blessing... he missed out on the blessing of being in the Will of God.

I wonder if he ever learned what God was trying to show him... And in return I wonder how many opportunities I have passed up, by leading the life I have. I pray God will still use me, and show me His will for my life!

In my mind....

Recently, we had an un-expected bill come up, and I had to spend my grocery money on the unexpected bill.

The next day, praise God I was able to get my WIC stuff.... but I'm not sure if I've ever felt so upset/lonely/frustrated/annoyed/and down right angry as I walked through the aisles of Walmart. You see...

Our pantry was literally empty. We had no food that I could even throw together to make into a semi-nutritious meal for the kids. I was so frustrated at myself, at the choices I had made, even at Walmart for having so much food... etc.

Thankfully I have family who was willing to help me out until I was able to pay them back.

It was humbling as I reflected on those feelings. I had went out to my car and cried my eyes out after walking through those aisles. I felt as if my world was crashing in on me. I can't imagine feeling that everyday, or every week.

We as a country have amazing programs that help people, and I'm thankful for that. But I still can't imagine the scars left on a mother's heart and I can't imagine feeling that alone. I was thankful that as I cried I had my Jesus to listen and care about me. I was thankful that as I pondered what I could sell or trade etc to get grocery's that my Jesus was listening to me in my irrational state.

See Jesus knows Richard and I spent money where we shouldn't. Jesus knows that we have made stupid mistakes. But in my hour of need, Jesus didn't condemn, like this world so often does, He instead comforted.... and provided a way out of the crazy situation.

But honestly His comfort was what I needed, more than anything I needed to hear that His love was still there, that His comfort was going to carry me through. That He was leading me, and that He would carry me though .... trying to understand how I would make it through the week on milk and eggs was beyond my understanding. (I know I'm spoiled!) Jesus provided by allowing us to get the WIC in the first place.

I'm not saying that Jesus fixes all of our mistakes, but Jesus did provide... this time He provided through my sister, but Jesus can provide through many venues. Like I said, I was thankful for getting my WIC, and knew if anything the kids would have milk and eggs. The Lord had provided a good friend to help me see that I wasn't alone and milk and eggs are as good as any other thing to a five, three, and two year old.

Now as I look through the aisles of Walmart, I am truly humbled by the money I have to shop and buy food.